Depression is not “just a bad day”. And hold your babies when they cry.

Photo: Hello Pinecone Photography

The death of Robin Williams touched deeply the world who knew him. Me, like many others have been thinking about him, his movies I have seen, depression and suicide. I have been thinking about the reasons that lead to someone to end their own life. And I have been holding by children a little more tightly.

Today I read a touching Facebook post from my friend, mentor, teacher (and at times even my student), Eloise. She talked about times she was “seized by a deep, wordless, horrible existential angst” that came in no pattern. She didn’t know why she felt like that but learnt how to get through it somehow.

“If I had been a little less stubborn, or a little less Aries, or - I might have gotten worse than better - I might have killed myself too”, she says. But she didn't. 

A few years ago the feeling got hold of her again. “Three years ago, I was in that place and a thought bubbled up from inside me that 'this is what it felt like when I was left alone to cry when I was a baby'. That was why it was wordless, it was a feeling before I had words. I was so alone and the universe was an uncaring place and the pain was all-encompassing."

She says after the realization, the blackness haven't come again. 

"I think it is gone because I understood it. I write this for anyone who it might speak to, and I write for parents. The 'let them cry it out' strategy is a mistake with infants.”

She says she is convinced now that being left to cry alone installed “some truely horrific times” in her psyche. She urges people to remember that this goes beyond just having a bad day. “Please don't trivialize it. And hold your babies when they cry.”

If you want to read the whole post, you'll find it unedited below, published with the writer’s permission. Thank you, Eloise. And I am so sorry you were left alone to cry as a baby.

"I am generally a pretty happy person. However, there were times when I have been seized by a deep, wordless, horrible existential angst. Why even try to move -because the hole was deep and formless and lightless - what could fight that? It would come on in no pattern I ever figured out, and blessedly, would leave in less than a day - or at least after a sleep. It started in high school - I remember the in-the-middle-of-it decision to kill myself, and then the next day realizing it might get better after high school, so I bargained myself into hanging on til I was 25. And I thought about it at 25 - I had made a contract with myself - but although the blackness would still sometimes come, I had practiced going through it, I knew it, I had made my way through - and life was interesting enough. 3 years ago, I was in that place - and a thought bubbled up from inside me that 'This is what it felt like when I was left alone to cry when I was a baby'. That was why it was wordless, it was a feeling before I had words. I was so alone and the universe was an uncaring place and the pain was all-encompassing. I haven't had the blackness come again since that realization, and I think it is gone because I understood it. I write this for anyone who it might speak to, and I write for parents. The 'let them cry it out' strategy is a mistake with infants - maybe not with 3 year olds, but with people who don't have words or understanding yet - I am as convinced as I am that there will be another dawn that being left to cry was what installed some truely horrific times in my psyche. If I had been a little less stubborn, or a little less Aries, or - I might have gotten worse than better, I might have killed myself too. If you haven't felt the transporting/transformation of your personality to something bleak and 'not you' - Yay for you. Give great gratitude to the powers that be. But please, understand that this goes beyond 'normal' life, and it is not 'just a bad day', and it is not someone else's fault for not doing the right thing on that day. Please don't trivialize it. And hold your babies when they cry."